"This is my love dress"

A woman stopped by at her son's house, rang the doorbell and walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
What was a nice Jewish girl like her doing lounging around naked?? she thought....
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work" the daughter-in-law said.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress" she explained. "It excites him no end.
Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to
arrive. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.


"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

<-- Jewish Jokes and Funny Side of Jewish Cooking

Jews in the Soviet Union

Sometime in the 1970s a shipment of meat arrives in a town in the Soviet Union. The townspeople line up at the town store to wait to be given their rations. After about an hour, a man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you, but there isn't enough meat for everyone, so the Jews have to leave." The Jews in the line leave grumbling.

About an hour later, the man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't enough meat for everyone, so anyone who is not a member of the Communist party will have to leave." More grumbling as the non-Party members depart.

Another hour goes by and the man comes out of the store again and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't enough meat for everyone in the line, so anyone who wasn't a member of the Party before 1956 has to leave." More grumbling as all the younger Party members leave. A few old people remain in the line.

Another hour goes by. It's now getting dark and it's cold. The same man comes out of the store and announces, "Comrades, I'm sorry to tell you this, but there isn't any meat. Go home."

One old lady in the line turns to her neighbor and says, "See? It's like I told you. The Jews always get the best treatment!"

<-- Jewish Jokes and Funny Side of Jewish Cooking

21 steps to the Proper Preparation of Gefilte Fish

A Jewish mother's 21 steps to the proper preparation of gefilte fish:

1. Two weeks before a major Jewish holiday, call your daughter and ask her what she plans to serve at the festive meal. Express your outrage when she suggests serving doctored up canned gefilte fish. Offer to make the fish yourself.

2. Suggest that your daughter take a day off from work so that she can watch you make the fish, so she'll know how to do it for her kids after she has put you in The Home. Two days before the holiday, call your daughter and tell her that you hate to disappoint her but you simply don't have the strength to make gefilte fish.

3. While your daughter is racing all over looking for a substitute
appetizer, get all dressed up and take a bus...and a subway...and another bus...

4. ...to an obscure fish store in a slum where they still sell LIVE CARP.

5. Examine the carp swimming in the fish tank. Ask the owner if any fresher carp will be arriving soon.

6. On principle, reject the first two fish that he offers you.

7. Accept the third or fourth. Allow him to fillet and skin the carp but NEVER let him put your fish near his electric grinder. Far be it from you to accuse someone unjustly, but you know he has ground dead carp in it.

8. Lugging three heavy shopping bags filled with fish, take three buses home, unless someone has told you about a way of taking four.

9. Call your daughter and tell her that you felt a little bit better and decided to go to your special fish store to pick up the carp. You know how busy she is right before the holidays so you didn't want to ask her to drive all the way out there.

10. Tell her how exhausted you are and describe in detail the assassin who tried to steal your pocketbook as you were boarding the second bus. Inquire whether your daughter would mind picking you up. You normally wouldn't ask but it's much easier to make the gefilte fish in her kitchen because she
has all the latest electric gadgets.

11. Remove several washed mixing bowls from your daughter's dishwasher and then rinse them to make sure they are clean.

12. There should be a separate bowl for each ingredient so that dirt from the carrots will not get on the celery. Put the diced carrots in one bowl, the sliced celery in the second, the chopped onions in the third and then combine them all in a fourth bowl. Ask your daughter to stop whatever she is doing and come and watch you.

13. Eye your daughter's food processor with suspicion. Ask her to help you operate it. Chop the carp in it for 15 seconds, then move all the ingredients into your ancient wooden chopping bowl.

14. Rev up those Hadassah arms and attack the ingredients with a dull bladed hockmesser for 90 minutes. Demand that your daughter acknowledge the superiority of your withered arm over a horsepower motor.

15. Place your hand on your chest and moan. Accept your daughter's offer to help. Give her the bowl and the hockmesser.

16. Twelve seconds later, snatch the bowl and chopper out of your daughter's hands. Tell her to watch carefully so she'll be more of a help next year. Pulverize the fish with your chopper for another 52 minutes.

17. On the bottom of a cast-iron pot with a non-matching lid (rescued by your mother during a pogrom and brought in steerage to America), arrange slices of carrots, onions, celery, fish heads, skin and bones.

18. Form the chopped fish mush into oval patties and lay them gently on top of the ingredients in the pot.

19. Add liquid and seasonings, bring the pot to a boil, lower to simmer, cover the pot and let the fish cook until they're ready and taste good...but not as good as last year's.

20. After the patties cool, arrange them on a beautiful serving platter for your daughter and her guests. Dump the heads, skin and bones in a chipped bowl for yourself. Practice saying that the heads and the bones are the tastiest portions until you sound convincing.

21. The morning after the holiday, call your daughter and tell her that you just tasted a piece of bottled fish that was even more delicious than what she served last night. Tell her it's a shame you made it from scratch when everyone does such wonderful things with canned.


<-- Jewish Jokes and Funny Side of Jewish Cooking

Traveling on a train together

A Jew and a non-Jew are traveling on a train together when suddenly the goy asks "Why are you Jews so smart?"
The Jew is quiet for a moment and then says "its because of all the herring we eat."
A few hours later the Jew takes out some herring and starts to eat it.
The goy asks "how much herring do you have?" and the Jew answers "a dozen pieces".
"And how much do you want for a piece?"
"20 kopecks" (a lot of money).
The man hands the money over and the Jew gives him a piece of herring.
"He takes a bite and says suddenly "I could have bought this same herring in Moscow for a few kopecks".
To this the Jew responds "see... your getting smarter already."

<-- Jewish Jokes and Funny Side of Jewish Cooking

Three men were condemned to be excuted

Three men, an Italian, a Frenchman, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution.

They asked the Frenchman what he wanted.

"Give me the best French wine and French bread," he requested.

So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Next it was the Italian's turn.

"Give me a great big plate of pasta," said the Italian.

So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Now it was the Jew's turn.

"I want a big bowl of strawberries, " said the Jew.

"Strawberries!!! They aren't even in season!"

"Nu, so I'll wait..."

<-- Jewish Jokes and Funny Side of Jewish Cooking