The thinker.

After months of negotiation, Avraham, a Jewish scholar from Odessa, was granted permission to visit Moscow.

He boarded the train and sat down. At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. Avraham looked at the young man and thought,

This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this area. If he comes from this area, he must be Jewish because this is, after all, a Jewish area. On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going?

I'm the only one from our area to be allowed to travel to Moscow.

Wait - just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and you don't need special permission to go there.

But why would he be going to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, so he must be visiting the Steinbergs.

But why is he going? The Steinbergs have only girls, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry?

Sarah married that nice lawyer from Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhadomir, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if he changed his name he must have some special status.

What could it be? A doctorate from the University.

At this point Avraham turns to the young man and said, "How do you do, Dr Kovacs?"

"Very well, thank you, sir" answered the startled passenger. "But how is it that you know my name?"

"Oh," replied Avraham, "it was obvious".

Jewish Dictionary Extracts

AFIKOMMENTS n. Adult arguing that occurs as children search for hidden Passover matzo.

BAGELA n. A gay Jewish baker.

BIALY ACHE n. The result of lunch at your mother's and dinner at your mother-in-law's.

BLINTZKRIEG n. A late-night assault on the refrigerator in search of leftovers even though "I won't be able to eat for a week!" Particularly common four to six hours after special-occasion gluttony.

BUBBEGUM n. Sweets one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby's nappy.
DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when.

DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, medical school, or business
school, as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. (In extreme cases, simply choosing to study art history when Irvine's son, David, is studying biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.)

DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar Mitzvah.

HEBRUTE n. Israeli after shave.

HINDSTEIN n. A Semitic smart-ass.

IMPASTA n. Someone who eats leavened foods during Passover while maintaining he/she is observant.

JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one's favourite celebrity is Jewish.

JEWDO n. A traditional form of self-defence based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

KINDERSCHLEP vb. To be called on to car pool more children than one has fingers, in a car that was made in Japan.

MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.

MATZILATION n. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

MEINSTEIN slang. "My son, the genius."

MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.

MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and makeup stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.

RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Leyton to Edgware and finding all your old neighbours live in the same road as you.

SANTASHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for when they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas.

SCHLERM n. The wrinkled end of a Blooms salami.

SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetiser one finds out has pork in it after one has eaten it.

YENTILITY n. A deceptively sweet manner used to extract information. Key phrases include "Trust me", "Your secret is safe with me," and "If you can't tell me, who can you tell?"

YIDENTIFY vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor

The convert.

Martin Lewis converts and becomes a priest.

He give his first Mass in front of a number of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new priest's sermon, a cardinal goes up to congratulate him.

"Pastor Lewis," he said, "That was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time, please don't start your sermon with, "Fellow Goyim..."

Morris, the Samurai.

There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job, a Japanese, a Chinese, and Morris. So he interviewed all three.

The emperor first asked the Japanese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Japanese opened a little silver box and out flew a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in two pieces. The emperor was impressed.

The emperor then asked the Chinese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Chinese opened a small pearl box and out flew a smaller fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in four pieces. The emperor was very impressed.

Then the emperor asked Morris to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. Morris opened a small gold box and out flew a wasp. Whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whooooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh went Morris's sword, but the wasp was still alive and buzzing around the emperor.

The emperor was very disappointed and asked Morris, "After all your sword play, why is the wasp not dead?"

Morris replied, "A circumcision is never intended to kill."

Kol Nidre night

Sidney telephones Rabbi Levy.

He says, "Rabbi, I know tonight is Kol Nidre night, but tonight Spurs are in the European Cup quarter finals. Rabbi, I'm a life long Spurs fan. I've got to watch the Spurs game on TV."

Rabbi Levy replies, "Sidney, that's what video recorders are for."

Sidney is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre"?

The yiddish speaker

Sadie, an elderly lady, goes up to a man at a bus stop in Golders Green.

She tugs on the sleeve of his coat and asks, "Farshtayn Yiddish?"

The man answers, "Yes, Ich Farshtay."

Sadie then says, "Vot Time is It?"

Gourmet Food

Harry was walking down Regent Street and stepped into a posh gourmet food shop.
An impressive salesperson in a smart morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, "Can I help you, Sir?"
"Yes," replied Harry, "I would like to buy a pound of lox."
"No. No," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked salmon."
"OK, a pound of smoked salmon, then."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, a dozen blintzes."
"No. No. You mean crepes."
"Okay, a dozen crepes."
"Anything else?"
"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."
"No. No. You mean pate."
"Okay," said Harry, "A pound of pate then and I'd like you to deliver all of this to my house on Saturday."
"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "we don't schlep on Shabbos!"

Jewish film titles

Oy of the Beholder - Singles kvetch about their awful partners.
Girls Interrupted - Women's section of shul are told to be quiet during davening.
Seder House Rules - Zeda explains the law on Pesach.
Angela's Kashas - Woman tells all her secret recipes.
Supernova - Rocket scientists discover powerful strain of lox.
Dredel Will Rock - Toy comes alive during Chanukah.
Sleepy Halah - It's Friday and dad fills up on bread then dozes off.
Goys Don't Cry - Rabbi explains why only Jews celebrate Tisha B'Av.
Goy Story 2 - Issy divorces shiksa, then marries another.
Mun on the Moon - Astronauts find hamentashen filling on the moon
Stuart Ladle - Mouse makes chicken soup for shabbos.
The End of the Affair - Sheva Brachos finishes at 3am.

The beggars.

Two beggars are sitting on the pavement in Ireland. One is holding a large Cross and the other a large Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by, they lift their noses at the guy holding the Star of David but drop money in the other guy’s hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat is empty.

A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the guy with the Star of David and says, "Don't you realize that this is a Christian country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David."

The guy holding the Star of David then turns to the guy holding the Cross and says, "Hymie, look who's trying to teach us Marketing."

The dream

Moshe was taking to his psychiatrist. "I had a weird dream recently," he says. "I saw my mother but then I noticed she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and couldn't get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until 7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?"

The psychiatrist kept silent for some time, then said, "One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?"


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