Jewish Dictionary Extracts

AFIKOMMENTS n. Adult arguing that occurs as children search for hidden Passover matzo.

BAGELA n. A gay Jewish baker.

BIALY ACHE n. The result of lunch at your mother's and dinner at your mother-in-law's.

BLINTZKRIEG n. A late-night assault on the refrigerator in search of leftovers even though "I won't be able to eat for a week!" Particularly common four to six hours after special-occasion gluttony.

BUBBEGUM n. Sweets one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby's nappy.
DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when.

DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, medical school, or business
school, as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. (In extreme cases, simply choosing to study art history when Irvine's son, David, is studying biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.)

DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar Mitzvah.

HEBRUTE n. Israeli after shave.

HINDSTEIN n. A Semitic smart-ass.

IMPASTA n. Someone who eats leavened foods during Passover while maintaining he/she is observant.

JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one's favourite celebrity is Jewish.

JEWDO n. A traditional form of self-defence based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

KINDERSCHLEP vb. To be called on to car pool more children than one has fingers, in a car that was made in Japan.

MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.

MATZILATION n. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

MEINSTEIN slang. "My son, the genius."

MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.

MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and makeup stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.

RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Leyton to Edgware and finding all your old neighbours live in the same road as you.

SANTASHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for when they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas.

SCHLERM n. The wrinkled end of a Blooms salami.

SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.

SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetiser one finds out has pork in it after one has eaten it.

YENTILITY n. A deceptively sweet manner used to extract information. Key phrases include "Trust me", "Your secret is safe with me," and "If you can't tell me, who can you tell?"

YIDENTIFY vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor