The Jew's Report

A Jewish Knight

During one of his many trips to London, George Burns became friends with a very wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb.

On one visit, Hy told George that because of his large donations to charities through the years, the queen wanted to knight him, but he was going to turn it down. "That's a great honor," George said. "Why would you turn it down?" "Because during the ceremony you have to say something in Latin," he said. "And I don't wish to bother studying Latin just for that."

"So say something in Hebrew. The queen wouldn't know the difference." "Brilliant," Hy complimented him, "but what should I say?" "Remember that question the son asks the father on the first night of Passover? Can you say that in Hebrew?"

"Of course," he said. "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh. Thank you, old sport, I shall become a knight."

At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other honorees went before the queen. Finally they called his name. He knelt before Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder and then on the other, and motioned for Hy to speak. Out came "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh."

The queen turned to her husband and said, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

Texas rancher visits kibbutz

A Texas rancher visits a kibbutz farm in Israel. After he is shown all the agricultural advances, he tells the Sabra: "I'm real impressed with your farm here, but where I come from, I can drive all day and not reach the other end of my ranch." The Sabra replies: "I know how you feel. I once had a car like that too!"

The Jewish car of the future

In the future, a rabbi makes a car. This car doesn't run on fuel, it runs on judaic belief. And to start this car you must say "Baruch Hashem" (Praise g-d), the faster you say it the faster the car goes. And the word to stop the car is "Amen".

So one day, a very spacey college student gets into his car and starts chanting "Baruch hashem, baruch hashem, baruch hashem..." the car speeds up and gets faster and faster. Soon the student realizes that he is heading towards a cliff, he desperatley struggles to remember the word and finally remembers. The second before he goes off, he says "Amen!" and the car stops.

He sighs in relief, and says "Baruch hashem"...

The Cow From Minsk

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask their wise rabbi, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."

The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?"

The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

Shop Israel

Advertising

Abraham took his son to see the Rabbi to have him circumcised. Just as he was arriving, he met the Rabbi, who informed him that he couldn't oblige as he was just going on holiday and would be late for the plane.

"However", said the Rabbi, "I have a friend in Hatton Garden, London, who can help you out". He gave him the address and off Abraham and son went. When they arrived at the address, they found it to be a shop, apparently selling clocks and watches.

They went in and enquired of the owner if he was the person recommended by the Rabbi. "Yes, my son, that's what I do for a living", was the reply. Said Abraham, "if you perform circumcisions for a living, why do you have clocks and watches in your window"? Came the reply, "What you want I should put in the window?

"This is my love dress"

A woman stopped by at her son's house, rang the doorbell and walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
What was a nice Jewish girl like her doing lounging around naked?? she thought....
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work" the daughter-in-law said.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress" she explained. "It excites him no end.
Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to
arrive. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.


"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

<-- Jewish Jokes and Funny Side of Jewish Cooking